Coping with Loss

Half year ago today, I hurriedly listing down my works after telling my manager that I just got a call from mom asking me to come home because my dad's health condition had dropped. I tried to find flight ticket and managed to get a seat for the next day.

When my flight was taking off, I wished I could see him and that by seeing me he would get better. I landed in Jakarta around 5 p.m. My uncle came to pick me up at the airport then we just hopped on to the car. He did not say anything, acted as anything was normal. But then when I turned my phone on, I received a message from my cousin, telling me to be patience. I started to think why would she sent me such message. But, I did not have the courage to ask my uncle. Then, a call came in from Dhilla, asking me where I was. Then she started to cry. That moment, I knew I was late. Though I realised I did not make it to see my dad, it hadn't hit me just yet. So, I just spent the rest of the ride home as normal as possible, talking about random stuff with my uncle.

As we got closer to the housing complex, I could see the yellow flag, the sign that someone in the neighbourhood passed away. As we reached home, so many people, relatives, neighbours, parents friends were there. I learned that my mom and brother were still on the way back from the hospital with my dad.

Then my dad arrived. I never thought I would see him with no more warmth from his body that soon. I had been excited waiting to come home on August so we could finally spend Eid together. But, Allah decided my dad would not be there by then.

I was trying hard to process the situations, I was trying to imagine how it was gonna be when a father figure suddenly gone. I was sad that I couldn't go home sooner to at least see him alive for the last time.

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

To Allah (Almighty God) we belong, and to Him is our return.” (Qur'an 2:156)

Reminding myself that everyone would eventually die, and recalling the past years where I had been witnessing my dad turning his way of life more and more into what Allah loves, I believed my dad went away as a believer and that he would return to the best place where Allah had prepared for him. With these thoughts, I did not whine. People told me that I seemed so strong, but really, what else could I do?

Been half year since he's gone, many times this fact hit me and left me in tears. It's still hard to imagine living without him to go to when I need to hear his words, for his advises. It's weird coming home and not seeing him, while he had been the person who asked me the most where I'd like to go whenever I was home for holiday. It's not easy but life goes on. I miss you every day, Papa ♥

Few Days Until 30

What did you imagine about being 30? Did you ever think turning 30 as a milestone of your life? As women, I assume many of us had certain thoughts about turning 30.

Back when I was in high school, I had always thought that I would be married and gifted at least 1 child before 30. It is natural that most ladies have similar dreams about their lives, because most of us are conscious about our biological clocks, that we were taught it would be harder to have child after 30. At actual, I am not married, and of course I don't have any kid yet. I wonder what would the 17-yo me think if she finds out about this fact. Would she be disappointed? We will never find the answer anyway. So, what do I feel?

One thing that I am certain is that no, I am not disappointed. There were chances where things might have been different but decisions were made and I don't regret a thing.

Honestly, sometimes I feel left behind because most of my friends are now married and blessed with cute children. It just hits me sometimes that whenever planning on something, my friends would need to ensure certain arrangements with husband or children first before we can actually make a decision. I can't deny that sometimes I feel anxious about life, about the future. Especially now that may dad is no longer around, the pressure on my chest due to uncertainties have felt bigger than ever. 

But, I have learned along the way we are walking on our own paths at our own paces. So, it's normal that we are not always necessarily at the same stage of lives.

Whenever I become anxious about the future, I quickly remind my myself that a muslim, it is my obligation to always trust The Best Planner, The Most Knowledgable, The Almighty God, Allah.

إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ خُلِقَ هَلُوعًا

Indeed, mankind was created anxious (70:19) 

Be it personal life or career, I gotta put some efforts to lead them to the way I want them to be, but first thing first, to put trust in Allah. What kind of life would I have after turning 30? Of course, not that I am saying it will immediately change. I have been thinking on some plans, on things that I have control to change (if Allah wills). I just wish I can always be optimistic and positive!

Most Recent Favorite Read

Hello! I'll be sharing about something that maybe I have never shared in this blog before. It's about book! There's a reason why I've never written anything related to book. It simply because I hadn't read any book other than those required due to school or uni since senior high school until last year. I bought some books whenever I went to a bookstore, but I rarely managed to read them through the last page. Even some of the books I bought are still neatly wrapped in plastic now. However, I had been wishing I can start reading again. If the reason it's been so hard for me to try to read was because I was always lazy to hold and bring the physical book, I started to wonder if having an e-book reader would make any difference. So around end of 2017, when Amazon was having a huge sale, I checked the price of kindle paperwhite and it was nearly half-priced! So i decided to get one :) And I was quite hyped knowing that kindle version books were cheaper.

For someone who barely read before, in 2018, I managed to finished 2 books (Guys, don't roll your eyes! lol) and also studied from a book to prepare for an examination. Now, within 8 months in 2019, I have finished 4 books and I think I might read few more before end of the year.

In this post, I would like to mention the most recent book I read. The title is 'The Truth About Gemma Grey'. Honestly, I was progressing really slow at the beginning, but then gradually enjoying more as the story goes. I used to love reading chick lit back in junior high school days, and I found that I am still enjoying it now. I am not sure if people of my age would still read chick lit or not, who cares, right? It's a romantic comedy, but that's not the only thing offered. Through the book, we could get a hint of Youtuber's life which was interesting to know. On the romantic aspect, there were 3 men appeared in Gemma's life, but I was mostly cheering for a guy named Charlie because they were so cute together. Honestly I was a bit sad when I reached the last page because I still wanted to follow more of Gemma's stories.

Post Gemma, I've bought two books and will start reading the one by the same author as 'The Truth About Gemma Grey'.
Let me know if you have any recommendation so I can check it out for my next reading list :)

An Overdue Post (Part 3 - Ghent and Bruges)

Hey all, it's been a while (well, been 2 years)!

Someone mentioned about my blog which reminded me that I haven't been updating my blog at all. There were few times I tried to update it, I even wrote a draft! but decided not to post it.

Now, since I have some edited pictures ready to post, I will continue the overdue Europe trip post series. Went to Europe in February 2015, right after I completed my master thesis defence and before officially starting my full-time job. Kindly read the first two post of this series from links below.

An Overdue Post (Part 1 - Amsterdam)

An Overdue Post (Part 2 - Brussels)

In part 3, I will try my best to write what still remains in my memory from the trip to two Flanders cities in Belgium; Ghent and Bruges.

After some googling we did the night before, we figured that it would be cheap for us who were under 26yo back then to buy train ticket Go Pass 1. First stop of the day was Ghent or Gent. First impression after I saw the view outside the main train station Gent-Sint-Pieters was I liked the view better than Brussels. While you may want to take the tram ride from the station to touristic area, tourism spots in Ghent were close to each other and within walking distances. So I would recommend going around on foot if you have plenty of time. That way, you can enjoy the view of the city that is sooo beautiful. Climbing the Ghent Belfry, a UNESCO world heritage, would allow you to enjoy city view of Ghent from above. I also visited the Castle of the Counts, which amazed me as it was different than castles in Japan. We can also see the tools used to torture people back then. 

GO PASS 1 Ticket recommended for young traveler (under 26 yo)

The Ghent Belfry "Het Belfort van Gent" and the Castle of the Counts "Gravensteen"

St Nicholas Church seen from the Ghent Belfry

After spending few hours in Ghent, we continued our journey to the next Flanders city, Bruges or Brugge. The city has different atmosphere to the one in Ghent. I would say the view and the atmosphere of Bruges was fantasy-like but kinda gloomy (well maybe because it was cloudy the whole day). After being greeted by the swans in the Lake of Love "Minnewater", we had a quick look of Begijnhof (Beguinage), a world heritage, then decided to walked out. It was sooo quiet and we were not sure how to look around there as the 'religious' feels was strong even in silence. We didn't want to be impolite. Many famous places to visit in Bruges are churches.

Most recommended thing to do which you shouldn't miss is to take a boat trip around Bruges canals. Look for Rozenhoedkaai for the boat pier. From this point, you can enjoy an iconic view of the city which is said to be the most photographed location in Bruges.

One corner of the Market Square, with the Provincial Court and the Belfry of Bruges

The famous picturesque canal view in Bruges from Rozenhoedkaai

Enjoying the city view both from the canal boat ride and on foot